the end of everything (as we know it)

I don’t really have much to say this month, except that I can feel the wounded masculine energy that still dominates everything, which has terrorized our lives for a long, long time, coming to some sort of an ending.

I still don’t really see the next steps beyond it, for me and for Seeds.

I know I have to be healthy first, and right now it seems like I can’t do much in any capacity until that’s true. I got an updated DEXA scan 3 days ago, and saw that the hypercortisolism caused by Cushing’s is destroying my bones. It really freaked me out.

I was lifting heavy for a while before eating disorder recovery, so I had older DEXA scans that I had used to track my progress.

One DEXA showed that I was in the top 0.1% in bone density for women my age in January 2024…and since then, my bones have deteriorated at a rate that is typically seen in 20-30 years. In 2 years.

The only reason I don’t have osteopenia yet is because I had worked hard enough to build the bones up before this disease really hit.

The lean mass on my limbs was in the top 10% for women my age in 2024. Now I’m in the bottom 25%.

I learned that cortisol devours your muscles and bones, rejects the food you’re eating, and layers fat on your abdomen. My visceral fat, which was at a perfectly healthy level in 2024, has exploded 365%.

These were the first test results I’ve seen that really drove home the extent to which this disease is damaging my body. Apparently, if they don’t medically intervene soon, I’ll have the bones of an 80 year old woman in 2027.

…and the doctor I worked hard to find at Mass General in Boston, Alexander Faje, is not doing a good job. He is not responsive, he didn’t read all of the labs and test results I painstakingly organized and summarized for him, and when he’s forced me to follow up because he is not responsive, instead of apologizing like a decent, respectful person, he scolded me for asking a question in the forum that tells you it’s for asking the doctor questions. It was condescending af.

It’s hell, and I’m so tired of everything being this.

Every interaction with a organization that makes an item you depend upon to survive as a human is like this. Capitalism is becoming more and more extractive. The power dynamics are so imbalanced that one side is absolutely vaulting through the ceiling, as those in power even (especially?) when you’re at your most vulnerable - a (male) doctor hospital - no longer even try to hide the fact that they don’t value you.

I keep reading horror story after horror story from women with this disease - up to 80% of those affected are women - which are basically just like, the doctors will not listen to me and my body and quality of life is getting worse and worse. But I can feel that dying too; the way all of these systems we’re trapped within, including the healthcare system, are also dominated by this toxic masculine energy.

I just don’t want it to fuck up my health any more than it already has in the meantime. I hope it doesn’t. I’m trying everything I can think of to find the right people to help, but I’m also very, very tired, both physically and spiritually.

This connects to Seeds as well. From the outside, it looks like it’s almost dead. Since I stepped away from daily management, the support that was left has begun to fade further.

But I think this is all part of the larger ending, and it needed to happen.

We need to shift into an alignment with an abundance of supportive, nurturing energies. Seeds does, and I do too. It makes sense that a sort of ending would be a part of that process.

I can feel it coming. But I can’t yet see the steps I’m meant to take. I think it will come to me suddenly, once enough of this gunk has cleared.

Astrologists say that this April is a big turning point. I turn 42 in 2 days. I’m an Aries sun, moon and rising, and in Western astrology, there’s a huge Aries activation coming up. I think it’s April 17th.

We’ll see.

-Rachel